Interlude 5.a: Aiko Miyake

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Winter recently requested that I start keeping track of the things that I am not allowed to do in the laboratory, so that I could no longer use “oops, I forgot” as an excuse. Now, obviously, I would not normally accept this. However, in this case I’ve decided to tolerate him, because I like him and because, as we all know, life is more exciting when it’s a challenge. With that in mind, I should remember the following when working around restrictions and relentlessly exploiting their loopholes:

 

  1. I am not allowed to call Winter’s pet demon “Your Satanic Majesty.”
    1. “Darth Vader” is also against the rules.
    2. So is “Great Lord Sauron”.
    3. All fictional character names are now off limits.
    4. I am no longer permitted to call the demon anything except “Legion.”
    5. “The skeleton in the closet” is, for unknown reasons, acceptable. When I pointed out the inconsistency involved to Winter, he reminded me that working against your own cause is an                 inefficient way of getting things done.
  2. I am not allowed to use the coffee maker.
  3. I am not allowed to perform the Cheese Shop routine, even if Legion and/or Snowflake want to help.
    1. All Monty Python routines are now off limits.
    2. Even when performed in mime.
    3. Yes, that includes the songs.
  4. I may no longer use the stereo system to play They Might Be Giants, Buck 65, or 3Oh!3. 3Oh!3 is now acceptable provided I use standard versions rather than those adjusted so that vocals are performed by a little girl.
    1. All music is now banned unless specifically approved for laboratory conditions. Approved music includes 3Oh!3, numerous classical compositions, and several rap and rock groups. For    complete list see Document D-0021.
    2. Following the Hamadryad Incident, Wagner is no longer approved.
    3. I am no longer allowed to play Mozart, unless I refrain from making any overt or implied references to a “magic flute” of any kind.
  5. I may not drink any alcoholic beverages in the lab.
  6. I may not use any laboratory reagents in making edible items.
    1. This includes reagents which are, themselves, edible.
  7. I may not call the cops claiming that a meth lab has been established in the building.
  8. I am not allowed to feed Snowflake peanut butter.
    1. I am also not allowed to dip any other food or nonfood item in peanut butter and feed it to Snowflake. Filling things with peanut butter is also right out.
    2. This list now also includes honey and chocolate.
    3. Also, all forms of syrup are banned.
    4. And ice cream.
  9. I may not design, view, market, or act out pornographic scenarios in the lab.
  10. I may not design, etc. pornography which is based on or includes anything I have seen in the lab, including all supernatural creatures.
    1. This applies to pornography which is commercially produced and purchased from mundane sources.
    2. The design and marketing restrictions are now lifted, provided that
      1. I do not ever tell Winter any specific information about it.
      2. I market exclusively to supernatural beings and the stranger sort of Japanese  magazine. ‘Cause honestly, some of them make monsters from the nether realm look pretty tame.
      3. I cut Winter in on all profits.
  1. I may not use the Bunsen burners to cook with.
    1. I may no longer cook in the lab using any apparatus. I have also been informed that attempts to further circumvent this rule will result in my being disallowed from eating in the lab.
  2. I may not submit lab reports as contenders in the Darwin Awards, regardless of how unlikely they are to win.
  3. I may not take pictures of lab phenomena and then upload them to 4chan any message board any Internet location.
  4. I may not invite demons to play role-playing games.
    1. Spirits and beings from the Otherside are also included.
    2. All supernatural beings are included.
    3. While in the laboratory, I may not invite anyone except Legion, Snowflake, and Winter to play games of any form.
  5. I may not threaten Winter’s contacts with disembowelment if they don’t answer his questions accurately, promptly, and without complaint.
    1. This includes beings which do not, in fact, have bowels.
  6. I may not claim responsibility for any natural disasters I did not, in fact, cause.
  7. I may not endeavor, or threaten to endeavor, to light any of Winter’s contacts on fire, for any reason.
    1. Salamanders and similar entities are, for obvious reasons, exempt.
  8. I may not take or place bets regarding what form of laboratory screwup will lead to Winter’s death.
  9. When speaking to or about Legion I may not make any references to “jumping bones,” regardless of how literal or technically accurate they are.
  10. I may not proposition any supernatural beings, even as a joke.
  11. I may not dress Legion as a Death Eater.
    1. I may no longer dress Legion at all.
    2. Following the Koala Incident, baseball caps are also disqualified.
  12. I may not offer to pimp for any supernatural being, in any way and for any purpose, even if it would be very lucrative.
    1. Yes, this applies even if they volunteer.
  13. I may not invite friends into the laboratory. And, as strangers are only friends we have yet to meet, they are also covered by this.
    1. I am no longer allowed to invite anyone to the lab, for any reason, without express written approval. Alas, Winter appears to be starting to get the idea of leaving out loopholes in his         orders requests.
  14. I am not allowed to give anyone directions to the lab.
    1. Not even to people who already know the way. In fact, especially not to those people.
  15. Following the Cashew Incident, I may not tell knock-knock jokes while Winter is performing laboratory procedures.
    1. I may no longer tell any variety of jokes at this time.
  16. I may not use profane language around Snowflake, as she already has a potty mouth and requires no assistance on my part.
    1. This applies to curse words in other languages. Strangely, Winter appears to be able to recognize them, even though I know he doesn’t speak German, Russian, or Icelandic.
  17. Parcels should be sent directly to Winter’s house or PO Box, and not to the lab.
  18. I may not give orders to Legion in any language other than English.
  19. I am not allowed to read aloud while any supernatural beings are in the lab.
  20. I may not use Legion as an improvised xylophone.
  21. I may not videotape a lecture on special relativity, set it to a celebrity sex tape, and play it while supernatural beings are present in the lab.
    1. I may no longer play any videos while such beings are present.
  22. “Why not,” “because we can,” and “it would be funny” are not sufficient justification for any experiment.
  23. I may not add water to acid. I have been furthermore informed that more gross violations of ordinary lab protocol, or common sense, will result in a standard packet of laboratory practices being added to this list. Needless to say I found this quite amusing.
  24. I may not mention this rule, or the incident that led to it, in company, polite, mixed, or otherwise. This includes Winter. Ever again.
  25. I am not allowed to use the microscope to examine Snowflake’s claws.
    1. I am no longer allowed to use the microscope for any reason unless I have specific written permission.
  26. The lab computer is secure and functionally untraceable. I may not take advantage of this to send hate mail to the Vatican.
    1. Or to attempt to scam the FBI.
    2. Or to post images threatening to tear gas a rodeo.
    3. I am no longer allowed access to the lab computer unless by explicit written permission.
  27. I may not talk like a pirate in the lab.
    1. This includes Spanish pirates.
    2. And privateers.
    3. And buccaneers.
    4. And “privately motivated Navy personnel.”
  28. In the future, I am not to justify any action as being “For the Emperor!” unless I have an actual emperor in mind.
    1. “For great Justice!” is also out of bounds.
    2. “Because pizza” has been added to the restricted list.
    3. All statements taking the form “Because [noun]” are out.
    4. Strangely enough, “For the lolz” is kosher, as is “‘Cause it was funny.” Winter said that he can’t argue with the truth, which is strange considering how often he does so.
  29. Yes, many of the world’s greatest discoveries have come about by accident. Yes, there is often little justification for these endeavors at the time. No, that doesn’t make “it seemed like a good idea at the time” a good reason for an experiment. Generally speaking this is a phrase we do not want to say in regards to lab activity.
  30. I may not attempt to matchmake for any supernatural being. Not even the Jewish ones.
  31. Lewis Black is not to be considered appropriate listening material for the laboratory.
  32. I am not allowed to ask supernatural beings the answer to “the Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything.”
    1. Following the Steampunk Incident, I may not ask supernatural beings any existential questions whatsoever.
  33. I may not check out poisonous materials from the lab and then use them to drug my cousin, regardless of how informative this will be. Even though she’s a total bitch.
  34. I may not offer to purchase a “thrill ride” from anyone who is not aware of Legion’s fondness for possessing people in order to share sensory experiences. Anyone who is aware is, of course, fair game.
  35. I am not allowed to give out the contact information for any of Winter’s contacts to xenophiles as a form of schmuck bait.
    1. I may no longer give out this information to anyone, for any reason, without express written permission.
  36. As I am possessed of actual magical powers which would cause David Blaine to resign in shame, there is no need to pretend to powers I do not have using gibberish incantations, sleight of hand, and carefully timed special effects.
  37. I may not alter the labels on any laboratory reagents or equipment.
  38. I may not enter the laboratory when drunk or under the influence of any other psychoactive chemicals.
    1. Psychosomatic effects produced by nonchemical means are also included.
  39. I am not permitted to submit lab reports thinly disguised as fiction to writing groups. Although, after the ratings that last one received, I don’t really want to anyway.
  40. I am not allowed to carry weapons in the lab.
  41. I may not use lab equipment to produce drugs for sale.
    1. Alcohol is okay.
  42. I may not set off fireworks in the lab.
  43. I may not spike Winter’s potions with hallucinogens.
    1. Or vodka.
    2. All additives are now off limits.
  44. I may not justify adding those little candy-things to soda as an experiment.
  45. I am no longer permitted to tell fictional horror stories about my old boyfriends in the lab.
    1. Factual horror stories are also out of bounds.
    2. Horror stories about old girlfriends are also banned.
    3. All stories about previous sexual partners are now banned.
  46. I may not tape a “Lick Me” sign to Winter’s back in the lab.
    1. I may no longer attach “[verb] Me” signs to anyone, by any means, while in the laboratory.
  47. I may not practice gymnastic routines while in the lab.
  48. I may not enter the lab if wearing a toga.
    1. This restriction also applies to robes, particularly when paired with a wizard hat and/or glasses.
  49. The lab is not an appropriate location for interpretive dance.
  50. Subsequent to the Steampunk Incident, I may not do anything involving cowboy boots and a scale model of Cincinnati.
    1. I also am not allowed to blame Winter or lab activities for the destruction of any property. Apparently, if I didn’t have a better excuse than that, I shouldn’t have had my aunt’s priceless jade vase in the laboratory to begin with.
  51. Following the Steampunk Incident, I may not attempt to invoke, abjure, or exorcise any supernatural beings using a tuning fork, a glass of punch, or a hairbrush.
  52. I may not utilize phosphoric acid as a drink additive in the lab.
    1. I may also not try that trick from school where you drink the sodium hydroxide and hydrochloric acid. Apparently my math was off, and Legion doesn’t like people throwing up on      his bones.
  53. I am not allowed to simulate a fire alarm in the lab.
    1. I am also not allowed to install an actual fire alarm in the lab.
  54. I may not sing in the lab.
  55. I may not set off firecrackers in the laboratory.
  56. Following the Noodle Incident, I may not offer to get takeout for any supernatural beings.
  57. I am not permitted to claim that I, or anyone or anything else, is in any way superior to any deity.
    1. I may also not claim that I etc. is in any way worse than any deity. Apparently the oddest things are points of pride to some gods. The story about the man uglier than Bugel Noz was                particularly entertaining.
    2. All comparisons to deities are now off-limits.
  58. I may not shave Snowflake while in the lab. Not even if she consents.
    1. Dye jobs are now banned for both myself and Snowflake.
  59. I may not turn into a fox and pose with Snowflake and Legion for a “Three Dog Night” themed photograph.
  60. I do not have the authority to issue a fatwa against anyone or anything.
  61. I may not bring in live rats as a present for Snowflake.
    1. All live animals are prohibited except by explicit permission.
  62. I may not make any references to a “Deathburger” while in the lab.
    1. Any noun using the prefix “Death-” is off limits. Apparently there are things that take that kind of thing seriously.
  63. I am not allowed to suggest the use of bagpipes in any lab activities.
    1. Rituals involving leprechauns are excepted.
  64. I may not fake injuries while in the lab.
    1. I am also not allowed to convince Flake to fake injuries in the lab. It took some work to convince her to go along with the tomato soup, too.
  65. I am not allowed to cry over spilled acetone.
  66. Nail polish is not allowed in the laboratory.
  67. I may not give supernatural beings nicknames of any kind.
    1. Not even if their chosen names are physically impossible to pronounce.
    2. Not even if the nickname is physically impossible to pronounce.
  68. I may not attempt to hypnotize any supernatural beings.
  69. I am not allowed to make or watch any kind of video in the lab.
  70. I may not play any form of video game while in the laboratory.
  71. I may not respond “Challenge accepted” to any phrase which does not, in fact, contain a challenge.
  72. Likewise, I am prohibited from adding “no pun intended” to a statement which cannot be interpreted as containing any puns.
    1. Puns which require knowledge of multiple languages and/or psychoactive drugs to be understood don’t count.
  73. I may not take advantage of Snowflake’s blind side to startle her.
    1. Having taken advantage of Snowflake’s blind side to startle her, I am not allowed to complain when she bites me.
  74. I may not act as though I do not understand English when in the lab.
  75. I may not quote movies in the lab.
    1. The work of the great Mel Brooks is, naturally, exempt. At least he has some taste.
  76. Following the Pencil Incident, I may not perform puppetry in the lab.
    1. I am also not allowed to use magic and/or optical illusions to make it appear that I am performing puppetry.
    2. This includes sock puppets.
  77. I am not allowed to bring duct tape into the laboratory.
  78. I am not allowed to discuss anything with Snowflake and/or Legion which Winter doesn’t know about.
  79. As I do not actually serve any functional purpose in the laboratory (ha!), I may not put “laboratory assistant” on my résumé.
  80. I may not refer to myself as “Igor.”
    1. I am also not to call Snowflake “Igor,” because she doesn’t like it.
    2. Legion too, as he doesn’t need encouragement.
    3. “Igor” has been added to the list of words banned in the laboratory.
    4. So has “Renfield.”
  81. Patent leather is no longer allowed in the laboratory.
  82. Following the Bicycle Incident, I may not use writing to bypass restrictions on what I can say in the lab.
    1. Sign language is also prohibited.
    2. All alternative methods of communication are included in this prohibition.
  83. I may not use any form of the excuse “My dog ate my homework,” as Snowflake is the closest thing I have to a dog and she does not like the taste of paper.
  84. I may not speak largely or exclusively in rhymes in the lab.
    1. This includes reciting poetry.
  85. I may not pretend that anything in the laboratory is a work of modern art.
  86. Following the Chinchilla Incident, I may not use matches in the laboratory.
  87. I am no longer allowed to eat Mexican food directly prior to entering the lab.
  88. I may not write lab reports using 1337speak.
    1. Only formal English is allowed for lab reports.
  89. I may not reference Calvin and Hobbes in the lab.
  90. Woot! Made it to triple digits! Oh, and I’m not allowed to bring plastic explosives or grenades into the laboratory.
  91. I may not have LEGOs in the lab.

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9 Comments

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9 Responses to Interlude 5.a: Aiko Miyake

  1. Terra

    This is great ! Aiko’s lab list of not to do is more insightful into her nature than long descriptions. What a wild child. I think that Winter went a bit overboard by not allowing her to reference Calvin and Hobbes in the lab. Maybe it is just because I appreciate the opinions of Calvin and Hobbes. Though, I guess Aiko could really do some damage with some of their conversations. Thanks for the laughs and insights.

  2. Aster

    This was laugh out loud funny. Absolutely loved it! Thank you for the excellent entertainment. Go Aiko! You rock.

  3. Now I need to know what the Hamadryad, Koala, Cashew, Steampunk, Noodle, Bicycle, Pencil and Chinchilla Incidents was, also under which circumstances did the possibility to play roleplaying games with demons come up?

    Heh 34

  4. exidor

    Now she is my kinda lab partner! Of course I was excused from most lab work in school and I just didn’t show up for any of the others that I deemed to boring to bother participating in. Any chance of an interlude from the perspective of Tyrfing? If so I bet it has some stories to tell!

  5. Emrys

    This is an author’s commentary written after the completion of the series. Spoilers are in a rot13 cipher; if you aren’t familiar with that there are a number of very easy deciphering websites to use. These spoilers may cover the full series, not just this book, and they may make reference to major plot points and character development. You have been warned.

    Another odd format for an interlude. I don’t think it worked quite as well as Carnivora, but then, it wasn’t supposed to. That interlude was serving a very different purpose. This one is almost purely here for humor, to break up the heavy chapters around it. Aiko is always good for humor, and her interlude is no exception.

    Aiko does have a Calvin and Hobbes influence; that comic was just too good not to take inspiration from. This interlude was a bit of a nod to that, in some ways, especially with the reference to Incidents that will never be explained. I did go out of my way to make the Noodle Incident the only one with a pretty obvious backstory.

    Not really much to say, otherwise. I thought about doing a serious interlude for Aiko, and building more on what she does when Winter isn’t around; I suspect that interlude would have given some people a very different idea of Aiko’s personality. But ultimately she works better as a character who’s seen from the outside, so you get a comedic interlude that sheds very little light on who she really is instead.

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